Snape and karkaroff
by Shining Moonlight
Summary: Severus Snape would like nothing better than to kick Karkaroff in the eyelash, but when he finds out that they are destined to be connected he is very surprised. Because they are not destined by heart or spirit, they are destined by hip...


A/N: A/N: This is a story that ties into the comic reliefs done by Silver ~ Ice and I would appreciate a flame or review, please!   
  
Severus Snape wiped a fresh tear from the parchment border of an ancient photograph book. His mother, Sandra Snape, waved up at him. She looked beautiful, though she was great with child this only added more impact to her motherly features such as plump, round lips, large hips and just the way she held herself as if she had been working all day, but was still appreciating every moment of life. Severus only knew her from pictures and stories, as she died giving birth to him. He often looked through these books, he yearned for a companion, he needed a mother. Maybe this was why he'd grown up rotten and had never cared for others' feelings. Perhaps it was because he felt no one cared for his.   
  
It was then that Snape felt the warm breath on his neck. He slowly turned and saw Igor Karkaroff. He was edging towards the door with great eagerness on his face. Severus paid him no attention as he was always slinking around the castle. But then he returned, carrying a parcel behind his back where it was hidden from Snape's cold, black, prying eyes.   
  
"What is it you want from me, Igor?" Severus shouted infuriated that he had been interrupted yet again.   
  
"Oh nothing Severus, I just wanted to have a friendly look over your shoulder at this interesting photograph album. You see Severus, I trust you and I want you to know all of my secrets."   
  
Snape cringed at the syrupy voice he used.   
  
"Well I don't want to know them." Snape barked.   
  
"OK, then I'll just learn yours, but if my inner voice does not cease from screaming to let you know me, why then I'll have to tell you."   
  
"Whatever pleases your disfigured mind, Igor, you do just that." Snape whispered, though he felt for Karkaroff now that he could see it in his eyes. He just couldn't let Igor know everything about him, what had he ever done for him?   
  
Karkaroff swiftly came behind Snape who sighed and turned to put the book back in his desk.   
  
"No! Severus don't do that, please I'd like to see it, at least skim through it one more time for me." Igor pleaded.   
  
"If it will get you out of here, fine. Okay, Igor here goes." Snape said then sighed and returned the book to his lap.   
  
Snape quickly showed Karkaroff the pages of his father and mother and himself as a two year old, four year old, and his graduation picture at Hogwarts. Then he turned to the back cover to show Karkaroff that it was given to him by his mother, but was flabbergasted to see that a piece of a photo came out from the inside cover when he brushed his hand across it.   
  
"Oh, Severus what's that?" Karkaroff eagerly shouted.   
  
"Igor, you're making a scene. Now just shut up and I'll check to see what it is." Snape said level-headedly.   
  
"Okay, Severus, it's just that I feel so much like a kid right now, Severus! I can't help it, I'm really sorry but I just need to know what is in that pocket cover!" Karkaroff whined sounding exactly how he said he felt; like a small child of about six or seven.   
Snape on the other hand, had had just about enough. He snatched the photograph from it's sheathe, and struggled to open it as it was folded in half and stuck with some sort of adhesive. Finally he opened it and gasped, for there was the young Severus Snape, barely a month old, joined at the hip to some other child. Snape was stunned, and so was Karkaroff.   
  
"Severus, th- th- that baby is me." Karkaroff shuddered, pointing to the other infant next to Snape.   
This cannot be, thought Snape.   
This cannot be, thought Karkaroff.   
They both jumped at a knock at the door. Madam Pomfrey, dressed in a surgical outfit, sauntered into the dimly lit dungeon holding a candle. She was staring at Karkaroff with great liking on her face. Karkaroff blushed and turned his face to the wall where graffiti that said 'professor Snape is a git' in large, orange letters. Madam Pomfrey looked at her plastic wrist watch and sighed.   
"Severus, your appointment for getting your appendix out is scheduled for a half hour from now, so if you don't mind, would you come upstairs and get washed up?" Severus answered and was just about to shoo Karkaroff away when Madam Pomfrey gave him permission to be his one guest in the O.R.   
"And you'll be sure to be cleaned up and ready to dance the polka before he awakens, won't you?" she asked delicately.   
"Well sure, fine lady, but may I ask why the polka?" he said grabbing her arm and sliding his hand into hers. She giggled like a school girl and replied embarrassedly,   
"Well just for good luck, I guess."   
"Oh, well I'd be delighted to come. Will anyone else be there?" Igor said, looking purely interested.   
"Well, I wasn't planning on there being anybody but just the two of us." Madam Pomfrey said while batting her eyelashes so much it made Severus sick.   
"Okay, we best be going now, I've got patients to feed, clean, and cure. Severus?" she broke looking distressed that she had to go.   
"Alright then, let's get this operation started, my kidney is killing me." Snape said, groaning as he got up. He held his back where his kidneys were in agony.   
"Severus, it's your appendix I'm removing and that's on the right side of your torso." Madam Pomfrey repeated.   
******   
Snape awoke to find himself lying on a hospital bed wearing a hospital gown and smelling a hospital scent.   
"What is it with the hospital stuff!" he shouted, not noticing the pains in his lower front.   
"Do not worry, Professor sir. You isn't really meaning what you are saying. You are disoriented." A squeaky voice piped up.   
Severus nodded groggily and called Madam Pomfrey.   
"Poppy! Poppy, honey, I need to know what happened when you put me under the umbrella."   
"You mean knife, dear."   
"Yes, yes of course, I said that didn't I? Anyway, am I alright and back to normal?"   
"Yep, all back to normal except for, er, well I kind of made a change of plans you see…"   
He gasped, horrified, when he noticed that he couldn't move. He tried again to pull himself up, but it felt as if he were pulling a large weight.   
"Hey, Severus! Stop pulling me!" a vaguely familiar voice called out behind him. Snape turned over and it took about ten seconds for him to faint. He looked over and saw Igor Karkaroff, connected to his hip, just as he had been in that shocking picture. Madam Pomfrey just smiled at Igor.   
  
"You have a cute rear." She said shyly, patting Igor's robes where his rump could be found. Igor giggled, blushing a deep scarlet.   
  
"Now, Poppy, we must behave if we want Severus attached to me and you do know how important it is that he does." At that Madam Pomfrey took her hand away from Karkaroff's behind.   
"Not to say that we can't be naughty from time to time, I think my brother will understand." At this Poppy hugged him joyously and woke Snape up with a potion.   
  
******   
Severus was disgusted to find himself teaching Potions with a man who knew absolutely zip about any sort of root or magical ingredients. He entered the room at eight o'clock, never so embarrassed in all his life. Igor seemed excited enough, he was jumping up and down on the balls of his feet. Snape had to keep smacking him on the head. Gryffindor and Slytherins entered the room, and Snape eyed Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Seamus Finnagin chuckling loudly. When Severus screamed "That's enough! One more chuckle and it'll be 100 points from Gryffindor!" Karkaroff looked forlorn, attached to this lunatic of a man with foam forming at the corners of his mouth.   
  
"Severus, don't you think we ought to tell them what happened? I'd think it was funny if some genius walked in the classroom attached to a sourpuss teacher." He said lightly. Severus looked stricken and hastily muttered,   
  
"No, no. It's fine, don't tell them. No, no." Karkaroff didn't seem to hear this, however, and he dragged Snape to the front of the room and quieted the class.   
  
"Okay, look girls and boys, I am Mr. Karkaroff, but you can call me Igor. As you can see I am affixed to Severus. You see we were like this in 1953, when we were born, but we were surgically separated. Now that we've been reunited, me and my brother will both be your Professors!" Everyone was silent. Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy were choking with silent laughter and finally they both banged their heads on their desks, hysterically. Snape was making funny noises and trying desperately to get out of the classroom, but Igor had his way.   
  
Snape grimaced through Karkaroff's lecture about tooth paste and how it was invented by his and Severus's great-great-great-great grandfather for cows. When class was over, Igor seemed especially giddy and when Snape couldn't take it any longer he yelled, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!"   
  
Karkaroff replied "You know that message the Ravenclaw brought about fifteen minutes into my lecture?"   
  
"How could I forget?" Snape challenged sighing, "You squealed, jumped up, and then I fell into Longbottom's cauldron, you oaf!" he yelled, his eyes now dangerously wide.   
  
"Yes, yes of course, well it was from Poppy. We have a date tonight after dinner." Igor smiled smugly. Severus jumped again, causing them to crash into a large suit of armor.   
  
"Yes, well we better go sharpen up, brother." Igor said.   
******   
After twenty minutes Karkaroff was contemplating how many buttons he should leave undone to make a perfect suave debonair look and Severus was whining about how Igor had made him wear frou-frou cologne.   
  
"It isn't fair, this isn't MY date!" he protested in anger. Igor looked hurt and his bottom lip began to quiver.   
  
"I thought that my brother might want to look nice. I just want to impress Poppy, you understand don't you?"   
  
"Well don't use me as a round ticket to Lover's Lane, bud. I am not going to let you get jiggy with her if I'm attached!" Severus shot back, knowing deep inside himself that he most likely would be seeing some very intimate things and wishing he wouldn't. Even so, he found himself walking out of his bedroom, which he now shared with Igor and out of the staff room and towards the Head Table, where Madam Pomfrey was giggling with Professor Trelawny, who had been trying to hook up with Severus for the past three years.   
  
"Hey, hottie, " Professor Trelawny winked and Professor Snape grimaced as Karkaroff magically placed two chairs together to resemble a bench. Then, Igor got into a conversation with Poppy, Flitwick, and Sybil, so Severus was left to his thoughts. Suddenly, Sybil squealed and grabbed Severus's hand.   
  
"Yay! I can't believe it! Thank you, Igor, how polite." When she saw that Severus was staring at her, looking at her, looking very confused, she explained herself.   
  
"Igor has invited us to come with him and Poppy for a romantic double date to watch the Gryndillow orchestra." Snape grumbled, but couldn't turn her down.   
  
"Very well, let's go." He clasped her hand and soon they were at the lake.   
  
******   
"Oh, that was a wonderful show!" Karkaroff said as they were walking the ladies to their rooms. The rest of the group agreed and they reached the door.   
  
"Well," Severus started uneasily shifting on his feet. "we really should be going now." Karkaroff finished and winked in Severus's direction. The girls both giggled and puckered their lips expectantly. Igor got right to the point and kissed Madam Pomfrey quickly. Severus felt that he was obliged to do something so he picked Professor Trelawney's hand up and hastily laid a smooch on it.   
  
"Well, to bed to bed, you sleepy heads." He said nervously, shutting the door.   
  
******   
That night there were dreams of love and all was peaceful, except for Dobby, of course.   
  
AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY HAPPENED!!!   
  
A/N: Well what did you think? 


End file.
